It’s a strange feeling- knowing that there are only 33 days
separating me from leaving Dominica for good and feeling like a part of me is
missing. In the middle of the afternoon today, I came to the realization that
part of the reason I haven’t been able to focus as much lately is because my
apartment is in absolute disarray. I haven’t taken the time to organize it in
ages. So, I left campus a little early tonight and came home to organize. I lit
a candle, played some music and just started sorting. Now, here I am. I have a
pile of articles and clothing that I plan to donate before I leave, and for the
first time in a while, feel like my apartment is mine again. There’s still a
lot left for me to do, but that first sweep is done. I threw a lot of things
away and started thinking about how I’m actually going to pack all of this
stuff up. Hard to believe.
I began writing what will now be today’s post about 3 weeks
ago. Unfortunately my apartment is back in a state of semi disarray, but all
those things I mentioned having to accomplish are now complete. Last week
marked the last exam I will ever have to take as a part of the basic sciences
curriculum here in Dominica. One week from today, I will take one more exam in
the exam center here in order to get back home for good, and two days after
that I will be on a plane with a dog heading north. As usual, I could write a
book about all of the things that are going through my head trying to grasp
that concept, but for today, I think this quote sums it up pretty well: “Maybe
you had to leave in order to miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure
out how beloved your starting point was.”
Having been a guest at a banquet hosted by two of the
organizations on campus last week, a lot of things ran through my mind. The
excitement that comes with being done with the first two years of medical
school, the anticipation that I have of coming home and being home for the
holidays, sadness in leaving a place that has welcomed me with open arms for
the last 16 months, appreciation for every single sunset I’ve been able to see
and the clarity of the stars when not polluted by lights, and the list goes on.
What I’ve come to realize, though, as I did a year ago, is that what I’m going
to miss are the people. An incredibly brave person gave a speech at this
banquet last week, and very clearly, without any reserve, admitted to being so
incredibly overwhelmed with things going on in her life that she wanted to kill
herself. What got her through; however, were a few very select people who
didn’t leave her side. She called them her guardian angels. Although not
everybody is in her exact situation, it really points to the fact and reality
of this profession and how it affects people. It can be stressful,
overwhelming, de-moralizing, and exhausting. One day you can love it, while the
next day you just want to quit and never return. Basically, it can consume you
if you let it. The things, though, that get you through all of it are those
that you can’t put a definition or a title on. They’re the moments with people
who care, the times that somebody is there before you even realize you need
them to be, simply because they, too, know what you’re going through. As much
as I can’t wait to come home and see all of my friends and family, continue to
meet new people and advance in medicine, I know what I am leaving behind, and
unlike a year ago when thinking about returning to Minneapolis, I know that
even if I return here to Dominica, it won’t be the same because those people
who have made this experience what it has been, both good and bad, will not be
here.
To all of you reading this from Dominica, thank you. Thank
you for your friendships, thank you for your kindness, thank you for teaching
me about life, and most importantly, thank you for simply being here. You all
have given me so many new perspectives and shown me what it takes to really
open one’s eyes to life. To all of you who might be reading this from
Minnesota, Iowa, New York, anywhere else in the world, thank you, as well.
Without you all, I wouldn’t be where I am today. You all know where I started
and why. Anywhere from late night phone calls, movie “dates” over FaceTime,
unexpected packages and snail mail, and visits over breaks, you guys are the
ones who have kept me going, reminding me every single day that everything
about medicine, Dominica, and this experience is worth it, and that I can
actually do it.
With that, I leave you, as always, with so much love.
