Finding Oneself

As of about 5 hours ago, the first exam of my medical career is complete. How did it go, you may ask? To be perfectly honest, I think it went quite well. At this point I'm not sure if that sentiment has more to do with the elation I feel simply having completed my first medical exam, or if it actually correlates to the accuracy with which I responded to their questions. Based on past experience, I think a combination of both. Either way, I'm done, and that feels amazing. Having essentially sequestered myself in classrooms, the library, group study spaces, my apartment, and the apartments of my colleagues over the last few days, a sense of freedom, even if for a few short hours, is extremely welcome.

Over the last few days whilst pouring information into my brain hoping it sticks, I've had a couple thoughts upon which I have wanted to reflect. Of course, in attempts to keep my priorities straight, I did not take the time to document them; however, now I am thrilled to have the chance to delve into them. The first observation I've made is related to the position and field of work I was in prior to matriculating at Ross. Working in a Genotoxicology lab testing medical devices, I knew there would be crossover between what I had been doing in the lab and my future career in medicine. I did not; however, expect the crossover to occur so quickly nor to have any profound impact on me. Last week while completing the required task of defining the brachial plexus in my first "patient," I overheard one of my colleagues say something about a pacemaker. Having tested several types of pacemakers during my time in the lab, I approached this group simply to look at the device. Obviously I knew that my work had a broader impact than just simply what I was doing on a day to day basis, but to actually see the potential outcome from the small part I had to play in the overall process was surreal, and even a bit overwhelming. Granted, I know I didn't do anything with THAT pacemaker, but I did have a part of play in how it got from the manufacturer to the patient. Secondly, as I had my nose buried in notes and lectures over the last few days, I came across a table of drugs used to treat various types of conditions affecting how a cell's internal structure in maintained and how its components are transported within the cell. In and of itself, this chart is interesting but nothing different than other tables of drugs I've seen in the past. This particular chart; however, listed a component required as a positive control for one of the main tests we ran in my former lab. Again, I knew there were clinical applications to everything we did, but to now see it in a completely different context was mind blowing. As much as I know it was time for me to move on and begin the next phase in my life, being able to see how important my work was in the overall scheme of medicine makes me extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to work in that lab. For some who may read this, I know how much I might have vented about various events or circumstances that came up over the last three years related to my job, and maybe even how excited I was to move on, but at the end of the day, having the experience I had taught me a lot of things. Without those experiences, I wouldn't be here today, nor would I have any idea how incredibly fascinating or biologically/ medically relevant chemicals like cyclophosphamide, methotrexate, and colcemid actually are.

The second thought I've wanted to reflect upon is related to "finding oneself." Throughout the course of our orientation and even the white coat ceremony last Friday, multiple people emphasized the importance of figuring out who we are while we're here in medical school. Clearly, we all understood the importance of making sure the reasons we are here align with our personal values, goals, and "identities," but I did not fully understand the significance of this until about halfway through last week. You see, starting about a week ago, I started to experience my first pings of homesickness. The first inklings of wanting to be with the people I love and not needing to coordinate our schedules in order to do so. Was it because of something that happened here in Dominica? Absolutely not. I still love where I live (although, I might do well with just a little less rain), and have really found some amazing friends who always seem to be on the same page as I am in nearly every situation we encounter. Honestly, I think the fact that I DO still love it here is exactly what made me homesick. I want the opportunity to share the experience I'm having with my friends, with my family, even with my dog. Talking via Skype, Viber, FaceTime, etc. is fantastic for keeping in touch with people, and I am incredibly grateful for those resources, but there is absolutely nothing that can compare to being in the same place with somebody and directly being able to share the ups, downs, and in-betweens as you go. For the first time this last week, my life had reached an equilibrium where it was "normal." The honeymoon phase of being on the island had really worn off, my schedule at school had become a routine, and I wanted to be in that normalcy with the people who know me most. One of the greatest gifts I received prior to leaving for school was a set of pre-written out greeting cards for various moments while I'm in Dominica. Last Sunday when those first feelings of homesickness started to hit, I pulled out the first card for "When you feel homesick." Appropriate, right? :) Although it didn't completely dispell my feelings, it made a world of difference. As some of you know, my favorite Disney character is Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, and contained within this card was a quote from Winnie the Pooh. "'I wonder what Piglet is doing,' thought Pooh, 'I wish I were there to be doing it too.'" Being away from home, it's easy to get caught up in what's going on in your own world, and know on some level that the people you left behind still think about you and care, but reading this card reminded me that most of these people deeply care and genuinely want to be here with me too. It really reassured me that, despite knowing I am capable of becoming the best physician I want to be, I also have people who will be there when the going gets tough and I just need a shoulder to rest on for a moment. In thinking about "finding myself" over the last four weeks (yes, it has already been four weeks!) this past week has shown me how much I value the people in my life. Honestly, do I miss Minneapolis? Of course. There are things about the city of Minneapolis, and the state of Minnesota, in general (Fall, changing seasons, sledding, theater and culture, state parks, etc.), that I can only find there, but the real thing that I miss are the people that I am able to enjoy those things with.

That being said, to anybody who has had any role in my life up to this point, know that I appreciate you, and that I miss you.  

Until next time,
Ashleigh